I want to end my life, but my religious beliefs are hampering my plans.?

I am a 37 year old male and I have a lot of problems with depression and anxiety. I attempted suicide 2 years ago and ended up in the mental ward of a hospital. I was put on lethium and other meds, but my problems have persisted. I have no family, my immediate family have all died, and because of my mental issues I have no other contacts, ie friends and such. It is hard for me to hold a job because of my anxiety attacks, and financially I am in trouble. I recently purchased some yew seeds which are lethal to humans and am contimplating eating them in order to end my life. I am religious and have read the bible looking for answers, I pray but I feel as if God never hears me. All that I try to do fails, it never works out, either I get sick or feel extremely nervous. I do not want to kill myself to get back at others or becasue of some sick revenge fantasy, I just want to end all my emotional and physical pain. I feel like a failure in life, like I have wasted my life. Each day it gets harder for me to find a reason to continue. I never realized what true lonliness was like until my father died leaving me alone. My father, mother, and brother have all passed on. I wonder why it is that God has allowed me to live when so much has been taken? 5 years ago I almost died from a infection I got that I had to have surgery for. I remember the day of the surgery and as they rolled me down to the operating room feeling for the first time complete peace in my life. The doctor had told me that there was a chance that i could die on the operating table because the infection had made me so weak and that it was very near my liver. I always wondered why did God not just take me then, why did He allow me to live? I am not writing this to get an ego boost, I just want to know if there are others out there that feel like I do? If there are I am hoping that I will not feel like I am so alone all the time. I appreciate your time. PS I know that many of you will say cling to God or seek medical help, but let me ask you this, if I do attept to kill myself and I succeed is that not a part of God's plan, does He not see all and know all? If my days are numbered like the hairs on my head, did God not know that this is how I was to die?